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Why so?
Lookups for the word on Merriam Webster website increased by 1,740% over last year.
Here is what the dictionary says:
Where does it come from?
The appearance if this term is connected to the play called Gaslight by Patrick Hamilton and its film adaptation by director George Cukor. The word “gaslighting” began to be used in the middle of the last century. In the story, a man manipulates his wife’s mind: he first captures her that she has no talent for singing and dissuades her from building the setting. And after he drives his wife completely crazy, reinstalling objects at home and hiding things in such a way that the girl has a great impression that she is experiencing her mind.
Five signs of gaslighting
The term “gaslighting” psychologists define manipulation in order to sow doubts in someone about the objective perception of reality. The goal of a gaslighter is to convince their partner, relative, friend, colleague, interlocutor that her / his opinion is inadequate to the situation or generally accepted standards.
In essence, gaslighting is always about the desire for power and control, the need to take over and avoid responsibility.
Symptoms of Gaslighting
1. You are losing yourself
Of course, every relationship has its own problems, which from time to time hint to us that it is time to rethink our behavior. However, when you begin to doubt your own needs, interests, and vision to the point where you seem to lose your individuality, this is a clear sign of gaslighting. Moreover, this is the most destructive aspect of this format of communication.
2. They don’t hear you (and don’t want to hear)
Constantly noticing that in the process of clarifying the relationship and other serious conversations, the partner interrupts you, ridicules your point of view or listens with half an ear, take this as a signal to think about your compatibility. “If you want to convey your idea to your partner, you slander or write long messages instead of expressing them directly, you are looking for ways to get through to your loved one, adapting to gaslighting,” adds Irina Tkacheva.
3. Your feelings are being ignored.
Another sign is when you share your feelings with a partner and he/she says in response that you are wrong or too receptive. “By convincing you that you should think or feel differently, the loved one confirms their unwillingness to take responsibility for your experiences, demonstrating a clear talent for gaslighting,” confirms the psychologist. – It is easy to predict the next stage in the development of events: you will begin to torment yourself with self-criticism and suppress feelings for the sake of your partner’s opinion.
4. You find it difficult to express an opinion
It is common for a gaslighter to place the blame on others or circumstances – including any fights, hitches, tardiness, and personal mistakes/failures. According to the psychologist, in order to prove his case, the gaslighter is ready to suggest that events developed differently than you thought. At the same time, any objections on your part will run into a blank wall of misunderstanding, which over time will make it impossible to freely exchange views and sincere expression of feelings, and hence happiness in a relationship.
5. You start believing you’re not good enough
In a long-term toxic relationship, someone who is under constant gaslight attacks sooner or later begins to believe that he/she is the problem. Negative suggestions penetrate the subconscious and gradually lead you to the conclusion that in fact you are not good enough and are literally to blame for everything. “Objectively, this is impossible,” the expert recalls. – In a normal relationship, both partners admit that they make mistakes, and both know how to apologize for them. If responsibility is shifted to one side, this is an indicator of a clear injustice and that the dynamics of the relationship is built around power and control.
How to get out?
Of course, first of all, you need to talk with your partner – what if she / she really does not know what she is doing. Gaslighters don’t really care about your opinions or feelings, and narcissists have no remorse or empathy, which means you’ll need megatons of energy to try to convince them of anything. If the gaslighter is raging in earnest and you physically feel the toxicity of what is happening (you are absent-minded, always on your nerves, and your heart is ready to jump out of your chest, you just have to start a conversation with a sweetheart), but you cannot resist it – run. No extra talk. Get out of this relationship – the sooner the better.
